sex + dating

The Best Plus Size Position is Whatever You Want it to Be

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Everybody wants to know what the best sex positions are.

There are articles and books and gifs and creepy cartoons showing artfully drawn perfect bodies contorted into something I would only expect to see at an Auntie Anne’s pretzel stand. Then we look at this gymnastic show and think, “Yep, that’s exactly what my partner needs. Time to bust out the foam roller for tonight.”

99.99999% of these bizarre diagrams depict a man and a woman that look like some sort of hybrid between Gumby and Barbie. The couple is locked in a beautiful display of ecstasy, her lipstick sans smudge (What brand is this??) and her hair perfectly tousled while her legs are bent around his twelve-pack abs and he’s miraculously holding her in the air without a single struggle.

But these images can be SO damaging.

These images and instructions manage to leave out diversity in every shape and form: LGBTQIA+ relationships, body sizes and differently-abled people, racial diversity, and more. While I can’t speak for a lot of these groups, I can speak for the plus size people. The hush-hush question shared in DMs or over wine with our closest friends is often “What position is best for people whose body looks like mine?”

Anytime I have mentioned having any sort of sex life, these types of questions start pouring in:

“What position is easiest for fat bodies?”

“What position can I do to hide my chin/stomach/arms/etc?”

“How can I tell my partner I don’t want to try that because I’m too fat to try?”

It is your lucky day, my squishy friends. I have found the best position for the chubby ones. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for your whole sex life to change? Are you ready to be the sexiest, happiest, orgasming Queen or King of your dreams?

The best sex position for plus size people is WHATEVER GODDAMN POSITION YOU WANT IT TO BE.

Sure there may be some positions that feel better or worse, but you will never know unless you try them because only YOU can determine what feels best for YOU and your partner. Sex will never, ever be one size fits all. That’s what makes it so damn fun in the first place. The most important part is the communication. Talk to the person you’re sleeping with. Talk to them WHILE you’re sleeping with them.

Sex is about joy, pleasure, and connection. So connect and have fun!

The next key thing to discuss is positions for hiding your body. Newsflash, my loves: if they are consensually in bed with your fine ass, then that is EXACTLY where they want to be, enjoying your FINE ASS SELF. For years, I was so afraid of doing anything that made my stomach visible. I always hid it under my clothes, blankets, tank tops, or in the dark. I didn’t want my partner to see. I pictured them being mid-sex and all of a sudden saying “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god is this.. FAT? I’m so out of here.”

I always felt like sex wasn’t about fun but hiding, holding my breath, even trying to suck in my stomach or stick my chin out to avoid a double chin as I laid down. Until one day, I just didn’t. I got on top and just focused on having fun. Guess what? I had fun! The one comment my partner had after?

You looked so sexy on top of me. We should definitely do that again.

I had been avoiding being seen for so long, only to realize I had freaked out for nothing. I had wasted so much time worrying about every little roll and wobble that I was missing out on the connection and joy and multiple orgasms we could have been sharing. There was this whole world just waiting for me to open the door, but I was stuck looking in the mirror and grabbing at my stomach.

So how do you communicate this with your partner?

This can definitely be even scarier than trying new positions. I mean, if you’re bent like a pretzel, you won’t have the air to speak that much. But once you navigate through this kinda awkward conversation, it will change EVERYTHING. You just have to suck it up, have a glass of wine, and get through it. Your sex life will thank you, I promise. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Be brave

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The hardest part is simply starting the conversation. Talking about sex can be scary because you’re putting yourself out there and being vulnerable. So start somewhere you’re comfortable. I’ve usually found that making a big deal about it turns it into a big deal. You don’t need to plan a whole fancy dinner. Bring it up at random, when you’re watching TV or just casually talking. Just open your mouth and make yourself speak:

“Hey partner of mine, I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoy having sex with you. It’s already the BEST, and I wanna try some new things to make it the VERY BEST.”

They’re going to feel awkward too, most likely. They will probably worry you hate sleeping with them. So keep it full of love (or lust) and not dread and doom. Remember, sex is fun, but it’s also funny. Awkward giggles are okay, I promise.

2. Be honest

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Initiating the conversation is fine and dandy, but if you don’t actually say what you’re thinking or feeling, there is LITERALLY no point. Intimacy is so much more than naked time. It’s opening the door to the scary, vulnerable places and trusting that person not to set that shit on fire. So open up!

“Hello dearest human I like to make sex with. I want to try new things, but I’m scared because it’s new territory. And honestly, putting my wobbly bits on display makes me nervous. But I want to try with you.”

Everyone has insecurities, whether it seems like it or not. Those thicc thighs you adore? That super adorable gap in their teeth? What you see as pure unadulterated beauty could be what they nitpick in the mirror. You are not alone. But by opening up, you can find a safe space. And that safe space will give you the room to try new things and build your confidence.

3. Be clear

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One of the MOST important things about communication in literally any relationship- personal, sexual, professional, familial, whatever- is being clear about what you want the outcome to be. If you tell your partner you feel insecure about your double chin and want to try new things, that’s great. But what next? You need to be clear with what you want the end result to be.

“Good day my beautiful love muffin. I adore doing sexy things with you, and I want to try even more. I know you really want me to sit on your face, but I’m afraid I’m too fat and will suffocate you. But it sounds fun, and I want to try. So next time we knock boots, what are your thoughts on trying? But let’s take it slow and have a safe word (or grunt) if you can’t breathe. Deal?”

Having a desired outcomes means the words are just not being put into space. They’re being put into action. Being assertive and clear about your wants and needs will do far more than get you those things. It’ll get you the confidence to ask again.

This can all be uncharted territory, I know. But if you only take one thing away from this, remember:

Your size does not determine how sexy you are. YOU determine how sexy you are.

So next time you’re worried about your body when you’re going to get you some, remember that this person wants to be with you exactly as you are. And if they don’t? Kick their ass out cause they don’t deserve the beautiful, incredible, sexy, delicious person that you are.

I challenge you to try something new this week in your sex life.

Have that conversation, try that bendy shit, and come back and tell me how it went!

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