I Love Love.
Valentine’s Day is my absolute favorite holiday.
It always has been. When I was a kid, I woke up early with anticipation the way other kids do on Christmas. Every year, my dad and brother would pick out presents for the most important women in their lives. We would sit together over breakfast, and they would give my sisters and me little presents they had picked out. Then my mom would also give us something pretty- just like us, she said- with a ton of chocolate.
I love the hearts. I love the kisses. I love the flowers. I love the color red. I love the love.
I had my first non-familial Valentine when I was 20. He didn’t like Valentine’s Day *at all* but he knew I did, so he always figured out a way to do something for me for six years.
After we split up, I had a Valentine the next year who managed to fall asleep mid-heart-shaped-pizza-date, but I was happy not to be alone.
And then I was alone.
For the first time in seven years, I was alone on my favorite day in the world. And completely alone; all of my friends were busy too. I dressed up cute, bought myself flowers, ate some chocolate. But it hurt. I ached.
Two months after that, my depression and suicidal tendencies had gotten to an all time high, and I went to find help.
So this year, I was fucking scared. Because I’m still alone.
My biggest fear is being alone forever. I am single AF for the longest I’ve ever been, and it sucks. I feel like I have so much love to give, but nobody is ever going to want it.
But I’m starting to learn that I need to give that love to myself.
Even on the days I can barely look at myself in the mirror, I’m still me. I’m still funny, smart, kind, beautiful, sexy, strong, and one hell of a fucking catch. And if nobody wants to lock that down, well that’s their loss.
Because I’ve realized that I’m not alone. It’s taken some pruning, but I have a garden of incredible, beautiful, amazing friends who love me unconditionally. I have a family who supports me no matter what. I have an incredibly stupid dog who lets me love on him 24/7. Maybe someday, someone will come along who sees everything I am and can be and wants to join me for the adventure. But if not… well… I’m still fucking awesome.
So this Valentine’s Day, there’s still a twinge of sadness that I don’t have some sexy chocolate man writing me love letters and bringing me flowers. BUT. I’m going dress up, treat myself, and have fun with one of my best friends because this is a day to celebrate love.
I love my friends, I love the opportunities I’ve been given, I love myself. And those deserve to be celebrated and loved on my favorite day of the year.